Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Man eats junk food, loses 27 pounds

Eat that, Michelle. Looks like Twinkies are no longer a threat to national security. Looks like you fat people are going to have to blame something else--like maybe yourself. I, myself, have been on this convenience store diet for years, and apart from the occasional numbness in my fingers and toes--I'm fine. I did feel my heart flutter once, but that was probably due to a solar flare or something. The point is--the point is--is that I'm 6'2 and 140 lbs. 

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Study: Alcohol 'most harmful drug,' followed by crack and heroin

Yeah, so what? The sun gives us cancer. All the good stuff is bad. If alcohol was good for us I'm sure we wouldn't have nearly as much fun drinking it. We all know you have to kill a few braincells to have a good time. Well that, and the five bucks for the six pack. I think that isn't too bad of a price for a night full of fun that you won't remember.

Woman Injects Self With Drugs From Son's IV At Children's Hospital

Now there's a mom who likes to party. $75,000 for bond seems kind of steep though--it's not like she was caught drinking.

Undefeated Youth Football Team Banned From Playoffs

I am tired of the pussification that is spreading all over today's youth. A fifth grade football team, The Sedalia Junior Outlaws, have been kicked out of the playoffs--an undefeated team--because the other teams said that they were too good. They didn't feel they could be competitive. I got an inspirational poster for ya: If You Suck, Try Harder.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Kentucky teen crowned Miss World

"It's a cliche', but this is a dream come true," she said crying. "I can't believe it's happening to me. My time has come. I'm lovin' it," said Alexandra Mills, the eighteen-year-old newly crowned Miss World. I wonder how much McDonald's paid her for the plug. Go figure--Miss World is a white blonde. She was never even Miss Kentucky, this rookie went straight to the big leagues--Kobe-style.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Anti-judge bus tour dwarfed by pro-retention rally

An out-of-state conservative Christian organization called the American Family Association is responsible for a new group in Iowa called Iowa For Freedom. Their quest for freedom has led them on a journey to deny the rights of gays in Iowa. They've raised $600,000 to convince Iowans to kick three judges off the court. The irony, of course, being that Iowa For Freedom is the one acting gay. But I guess according to their book, everyone is created equal. Unless you aren't white or like dick. Sorry Gays, God says you can't drive his caddy. I guess you just aren't dark enough.

Midwest Storms

Sounds like somebody's God is punishing them for allowing gay marriage...

Haggen stores pull controversial energy drinks from shelves

Not Four Loko! How can they take away our freedom? Just because a couple of pussies get a tummy ache they have to go and pull that sweet nectar from the shelves? I drink a ton of that shit and I am just fine. Yeah, once, I tried to jump from a second-story bar window. Sure I woke up with my underwear around my neck. Sure I drunk-dialed my grandmother, instead of my girlfriend, and now am not legally allowed to come within two miles of the family home. But I am fine. I hope those two student's peers cyber bully them to suicide for being pussies.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Controversial pastor gets free car for not burning Quran

"The Rev. Terry Jones, the Florida pastor who caused a firestorm last month when he came close to staging a public Quran burning, is getting a new car courtesy of a New Jersey dealership... "
You know, as much as it pains me to say this, I think that Rev. Terry Jones might be a genius. I bet he never planned to burn that Quran at all. It was just an act to get free stuff--like the Chilean miners. And remember, America does not negotiate with terrorists--just crazy-ass Americans trying to be free. Wait, aren't the troops dying for our freedom?  So by not having the freedom to burn whatever we want and to go bat-shit crazy with freedom, does that mean the terrorists won? Not on my watch...

Search continues for missing miners in Ecuador

"Rescuers in Ecuador continued to look Monday for two of four miners who were trapped underground after part of a gold mine collapsed in the southern part of the country... "
Yawn, that is sooo two months ago.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Netanyahu would extend settlement freeze in return for recognition

"Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said Monday he would renew a temporary halt of settlement construction in the West Bank in exchange for Palestinian recognition of Israel as a Jewish state..."
That's right Palestine--don't reorganize shit. Hold on to your land. Don't sign shit. Look what happened to the Indians in America: their land was burgled from them too. Don't give in to America Jr., the blue-coats of the Middle East. Sorry everyone, I just read Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee.

More than 1,000 electric-vehicle charging stations destined for Oregon's I-5 corridor by next summer

"BP Products North America Inc. plans to install electric-vehicle chargers at BP and Arco stations in four Oregon cities, helping to prevent dreaded 'range anxiety' ..."
Waste of money. Everybody knows that six out of ten bald eagles prefer oil. Furthermore, if we all switch to electric, what will our soldiers die for? Call me a terrorist if you want, but go gasoline. It just smells better. I can't huff electric--now can I?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

African Leaders Buying Human Albino Parts: Group

"African Politicians, Businessmen Buying Albino Body Parts For Good Luck, Group Says..." 

Albinos are lucky, at least they're not white rhino horns. I wonder how many white rhino horns I would need to buy an Albino foot key chain. I guess that's what you get for being too white on a Friday night in Africa. They should get their shit together and start a movement. Something like the Underground Railroad, where instead of heading north, they head to the Mid-East, where they would be slaughtered--not for the color of their skin but for their religious beliefs.

France hit by third national strike this month

Oh look, the French are crying again. Is anyone surprised? Like anyone wants to work, they should feel lucky they have jobs. The French are on strike and refuse to work until the government no longer wants to raise the retirement age to 62 but I know a lot of unemployed Americans who would gladly go over there, be scabs, fill those jobs and get seven weeks of paid vacation. Americans will be the new Mexicans.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Brain Cancer Vaccine May Extend Patients' Lives

"Treatment for Type of Glioblastoma Helps Immune System Develop "Magic Bullets" Adding 2 Years to Survival, Study Says..."
Oh, so you're still gonna die? But at least, with this new vaccine, you can live two years in extreme pain with no appetite, and confined to a bed. All you can do is watch TV, but  you never got the converter box so your last two years have been spent watching Two and a Half Men. I'll pass. Let the cancer eat me.

HIV-positive muppet to star in Nigeria's 'Sesame Street'

So... are they going to show children how to put a condom on a muppet's lambswool duster? I want know how the hell a stuffed puppet with no blood cells contracts HIV. All I can say is: Becareful Elmo. Once HIV has hit Sesame Street no one's safe. Wipe down those toilet seats, don't hug no one, don't even look them in the eye. This shit is crazy. If a muppet can contract HIV then so can you. Fuck at your own risk.

Airport rhino horn smuggler jailed for 12 months

Well fuck gold, I'm investing my dollars in white rhino horns, shark fins, tiger penis, panda paws and bald eagle feathers--anything endangered. And I wouldn't try smuggling it into the country in a sculpture neither. Instead, I would stuff that rhino horn down the front of my pants, put an empty Extendz package in my pants and explain to customs, "Sorry, I've been at it all night, this is just the leftovers." If that doesn't work for you, I would strap the fucker to your head and if they give you hell, that's discrimination and your rights have been violated. Sue their ass for more white rhino horns.

Gerald S. Lesser, Shaper of ‘Sesame Street,’ Dies at 84

Muppet developer Dr. Gerald Lesser dies at age 84--and no, it wasn't bullycide, just good, old-fashioned old age. Flags probably won't fly at half-mast because most people probably don't care. Jim Henson, now there's a tragedy. His failing heart cut him down in his prime. Wait, what were we talking about?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Light drinking no risk to baby, say researchers

Did they just give Lindsay Lohan permission to conceive? And what do they mean "light" drinking? And everyone knows there's no light drinking when drinking for two. So throw a few back, rest that belly on the steering wheel and have a relaxing drive home. Don't call me, I'll call you. Cheers.

Opium production down in Afghanistan, U.N. says

Looks like it's going to be a long, cold winter for those mumbling zombies stumbling around in front of my house at three in the morning, digging through my cans and making a racket. Dear Zombies, while you're busy picking up cans and performing fellatio for your next fix, I will be investing my money in the pharmaceutical company that brings you methadone (Mallinckrodt). I will sit on my porch, drinking a beer, setting my cans next to the street for you to collect for your next fix. See that? A system of empowerment. We all win.

'Laptop thigh' skin rash warning

"It may be called a laptop, but there could be a price to pay for using it on your lap regularly, say doctors..."
I got a rash and it isn't from a laptop. Put some fucking pants on, you pervert. That's what you get for not using protection when stalking the hot girls from high school on Facebook all day.

Monday, October 4, 2010

'Bully-cides' the new teen problem?

Bully-cide?! WTF. How the hell did we get so weak? Looks like all that Sponge Bob bullshit turned our--I mean your--children into a bunch of Sallys. I got bullied and I'm fine. It turned me into the man I am today. I bully the bullies. If you kill yourself--it's just like terrorism--they win. Suck it up you pussy.

Lady Gaga duets with Yoko Ono at US concert

American pop star, Lady Gaga, and Yoko Ono, best known for breaking up the Beatles, perform a duet at the end of a three hour gig from the Plastic Ono Band. Onlookers watched in horror as the two monsters marched into the sea with their eyes set on selling records to gays.

'German millitants' killed in killed in Pakistan drone attack

Sixty-five years later and we're still killing Krauts. The bald eagle never stops flexing his wings. Lookout Okinawa, you're next. 

Vatican official criticizes Nobel win for IVF pioneer

The first test tube baby celebrated her 30th birthday with Prof Edwards in 2008.
What has the Vatican ever done for the human race except invent guilt? Now they're protesting Nobel Prize for Medicine being presented to British IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) pioneer Robert Edwards. The Vatican states the uteri and eggs would have been abandoned and died regardless. They're just pissed about loss potential of little boys to fondle.

Anger simmers over Okinawa base burden

Oh come on, we just stole your land. We are America. That's what we do. It's not like we're forcing you to live on a dry reservation in the country's most agriculturally bankrupt areas. It's not like we're rounding up your people and putting them in internment camps. Geez. You think you got it bad, it could be worse: we could call in our drones--our bald freedom eagles--and armed black teenagers that aren't good enough at basketball. See Iraq.